Life Experience

Dear Mr. President

2010-07-31T16:24:00.000-07:00

Dear Mr. President,

I told my doctor the pain in my chest felt like a sharp, stabbing pain, followed by a dull ache, and was intermittent for a couple of days, although I hadn’t experienced it for about a week. And without any examination, based solely on my explanation, she referred me to a cardiologist for a stress test. After the testing, the cardiologist could not determine a cause, but based on the test results, concluded my heart was healthy.

A week later, I was in my chiropractor’s office and told him how the cardiologist could not identify the cause of my chest pains. So, my chiropractor asked me what I’d been doing, days prior to the pain. He asked if I’d been painting – as he knew that ever since we bought our new house, I’d been painting various rooms. That jogged my memory, and I said "that’s exactly what I’d been doing" and immediately recalled how the pains occurred the day AFTER painting. So, he probed further, and we eventually felt certain that I’d been experiencing nothing more than normal muscle aches from using muscles that I’m not accustomed to using.

Then, weeks later, I received my EOB (Explanation of Benefits) from my health insurance company, showing the total amount billed for ALL the procedures that went into the stress test was over $5700. I was appalled!

But, what brings me to the heart of my communication to you is this: Before, blindly scheduling the stress test, I felt it wise to do my due diligence about the cost of the procedure AND to know what my financial responsibility would be. But, I found it impossible to get any conclusive information from the cardiologist’s staff. They could only validate the amount of my co-pay. But, just like when requesting any service, I inquired as to the total cost of the procedure, but they were unable to tell me. And the cardiologist’s staff also did not know how much the insurance company would pay the cardiologist. When I called the insurance company myself to ask for the specific cost, I was told they are not allowed to tell me because that information could only be discussed with the doctor with which they have a contract. But even when I requested that my doctor call my insurance company to obtain the cost, the insurance company still would not confirm an exact price. Thus, the cost of medical services are withheld until AFTER the services are complete. That is not right!

I have come to realize that in this “health insurance controlled system,” the total cost is withheld from the consumer. So, with that understanding, I shifted my focus to zero in on MY financial responsibility. I re-asked repeatedly if my co-pay would be my ONLY financial obligation, AND that I would NOT receive a bill for services after the fact. And I was assured that was the case.

So, not only was I shocked at the total cost of $5700 for services rendered, but the EOB stated that I owed an additional $130. I couldn’t believe it was possible that I owed ANYTHING in light of asking every conceivable question I could think of, to as many different persons I knew to ask. And the reason I asked so many questions upfront was because I suspected that without knowing the cost upfront, there was nothing to stop the doctors or health insurance company from billing an unexpected amount, because we didn't have an agreed upon price, to which I could hold them accountable, and thus I could easily fall prey to being billed for something after the fact, which I tried so hard to avoid, but what happened anyway. I was so frustrated and felt overwhelmed by how my sense of control was taken from me, from this ALL POWERFUL entity. I felt lied to by a system that I had little experience with, and felt I was entering a new arena where the rules are stacked against me! And since knowledge is power, I realized I had none, and the health insurance company had it all. This was my first experience of this kind since it was new for me – having never had health insurance before. And I felt certain that I was not alone in this, and that millions of other Americans were experiencing the same thing.

Yesterday, I received an EOB showing $13,000 was charged for a procedure I had expected to be less than $1000 – and my financial obligation is $9000! AND, this is just the first in a series of 4 procedures that are necessary for my husband to continue to have the freedom of walking. So to date, this is the third time where I was told one thing, and then experienced something else when the EOB arrived.

My biggest outrage is that I cannot get anyone to tell me the cost of a procedure before committing to it!!!

We live in a consumer nation where Americans make purchases every day; that’s what we do! We are a cost conscious people. We would NEVER ask a salesman to load a new big screen TV into our car without knowing what to expect at the cash register. Nor would we test drive a car without looking at the sticker price and tell the salesman “I’ll take it” without first negotiating a price. Again, this would NEVER happen.

My experiences with the health care system have clarified these thoughts: How is it, that as the consumer of a medical service, we’re not ALLOWED to know the price BEFORE making the commitment to have the service? That is how it works in EVERY other service business in America. We always know the cost before committing to the purchase. But, somehow, in this country, health care doesn’t follow the same rules. The price of medical procedures is a tightly held secret from the very consumer that is committing to the service. This is WRONG on so many levels. This robs the consumer of the right to know what he/she is committing to. This robs the consumer of the right/responsibility to BE an accountable steward of their financial commitments.

If I had known in advance that having a stress test would have cost over $5000, I WOULDN’T have done it. Had I known, that would have prompted me to ask many more questions before committing to it - to ensure it was necessary. Also, I believe if my doctor was aware of the costs, she too would have considered alternative options that were less expensive before referring me for a stress test. But, when the doctors AND consumers are in the dark about total cost, our ability to make responsible choices are limited or removed completely. I believe in my case, having a stress test was a waste of money. And even though, my co-pay was small compared to the entire bill, I am aware that the health care premiums that I pay each year are determined in part by the total dollars of claims filed by the associates at my company for the previous year. Therefore, I do my best to be responsibly mindful of the claims I file.

I am calling for another kind of health insurance REFORM. Consumers of medical services have the right to know the cost of medical procedures upfront – FULL DISCLOSURE. I am calling for REFORM from the secrecy that is held so tightly by health insurance companies. Consumers have the right to know how much they are being charged for services, in order for them to make informed and responsible decisions. I trust in the integrity of Americans, and believe if we were fully aware of the costs, unnecessary procedures would be greatly reduced. We would ask more questions, and demand more answers. And doctors & insurance companies would be accommodating in providing those answers because whether we do business with them of not would be determined by the quality of their answers.

I believe my call for FULL DISCLOSURE OF THE COST OF MEDICAL PROCEDURES IN ADVANCE has significant ramifications for the American people’s wallet and to the overall economy.

The only reason I can see that this practice of cost secrecy has gone on for so long is because the American people have been conditioned to accept it because “it’s how it’s always been done.” But, I am calling a HALT to the practice of simply accepting what’s always been.

Americans want to be responsible and want to do their part for bringing down the cost of health care, but cannot when they are kept from knowing the costs. Instead, Americans are held prisoner by the health care system when they find their health is in jeopardy. Few people have the influence or power to bring about this kind of change, but I believe YOU do.

Please, Mr. President, I beseech you to respond to this call for FULL COST DISCLOSURE reform to require insurance companies to make all Americans fully aware of the cost of medical services prior to making the commitment to have the medical procedures, thus giving us back our control of what services we choose, and what procedures we are willing to undergo. I also, believe if we know the costs upfront, this will stimulate healthy competition because as Americans we will compare doctors & procedures based on the quality of possible effectiveness AND cost.

I for one, feel robbed of my right to know, thus my right to feel empowered because of the way the health care system is at present. What does it say about a system whereby we are asked to blindly commit to something without full disclosure of the cost associated with the service? This is irresponsible spending. It would be no better than shopping for new clothes without looking at the price tags and paying for it with a credit card. Then, when the statement arrives, being shocked at the cost. It’s the very act of looking at the price tags that we are empowered to make a responsible decision to determine whether or not this item is affordable, whether we will look for some other option, etc. Price tags arm the consumer with full disclosure for the purpose of making wise & responsible decisions. The health care system is flawed when they can do business without disclosing cost information upfront, and as Americans, we deserve better.

A responsible American,
Wendy Dillard

Pneumonia – now that got my attention! (Part 1 of 7)

2009-11-28T14:55:00.000-08:00

I just recently got over having pneumonia. And if you’ve ever had pneumonia, you’d know it pretty well puts your life into a complete shut down. Breathing is labored. Making one trip up or down the stairs requires a 30 minute nap. Once the coughing starts it becomes its own episode. So, don’t talk because any talking only starts up another coughing fit. Focusing on anything for longer than 2 seconds is impossible, so forget concentrating on anything. Body weakness to the point it’s a major ordeal to move your arm to reach for the glass of water that’s only 2 feet away from you. It’s bad!!!

When I heard the word pneumonia, I started to think something BIG is trying to get my attention because at this point, I’d had Bronchitis four times in the last 6 months, and it was this latest Bronchitis incident that developed into pneumonia. So, in less than 6 months, I’d been down for the count FOUR times, and not just with the sniffles… these were big illnesses. Each time I was sick, I had to be off from work. Each time I was sick, I was flat on my back. Each time I was sick, my life came to a complete HALT. But, it was not until the doctor threatened that if this last round of anti-biotics didn’t clear up the infection in my lungs, she’d have to put me in the hospital, was FINALLY big enough for me to receive the Universe’s WAKE UP CALL.

As I was beginning to recover, I’d have moments of clarity – so I could use my mind for about 3 minutes at a time. So, I’d do my best to utilize those 3 minute intervals deliberately and started to wonder “what on earth, did I do to manifest pneumonia”. After all, I’m an extremely healthy woman. I don’t generally get sick. I’m not one of those people that get the annual “spring cold” or get “whatever’s going around”. I’m generally immune to all that stuff. “Pneumonia”, I pondered to myself… I had pneumonia when I was 9 yrs old. And at that time, I was hospitalized. So, I started to wonder if there was a connection between pneumonia at 9 and then again at 49. I put that on the shelf should that become important later.

Years ago, Louise Hay wrote a book called: "You Can Heal Your Life", and I have a worn-out copy of it on my bookshelf for which I refer to one particular section of the book quite often – although I have to say, it’s been a least a year since I used it. She healed herself from an advanced cancer by deliberately changing her thoughts and declining the usual medical protocols. In the book she lists a bunch of physical ailments and their associated emotional root causes, and a coordinating affirmation to use to begin the process of changing the vibration of the negative physical condition. Perhaps, in another blog, I’ll go deeper into this subject, but for now, I’ll just say that I have lived my life by the understanding that all physical ailments are connected to unresolved emotional issues.

And while asking “what’s going on that I have created this pneumonia”, I felt drawn to this book. I started by looking up the emotional cause of pneumonia, but what was listed did not “click” for me. I couldn’t relate to feeling those emotions anytime lately… maybe years ago, but not now. So, I then, looked up associated illnesses: respiratory problems, bronchitis, etc. And still I didn’t really relate to the emotional causes, although I sort of sensed there were similarities between the root causes.

Next, I got the impulse to go to my computer with the book, and look up EVERY physical condition I have had recently or currently have, including being overweight, excessive appetite, allergies, post-nasal drip, etc. I typed every “condition” I felt was appropriate and it’s associated emotional root cause. This turned out to be a longer list than I had expected. It’s amazing how many “conditions” we put up with and don’t give much attention to it because it’s “only a small annoyance”. Anyway, once the list was complete, I read it from top to bottom. But, the list of root causes was so extensive, I felt I should ask my inner being which root causes were appropriate for me to focus on. And with that, I saw a distinctive pattern emerge that somehow related most of these conditions.

Here are the issues that stood out for me: Anger. Hidden anger. Lots of frustration and anger. Inner crying. Emotional overflow. Years of controlling the emotions. Emotional wounds that are not allowed to heal. Running away from feelings. Insecurity, self-rejection. Not feeling good enough. Judging the emotions. Denying your own power. Inflamed family environment. Arguments and yelling. Parents arguing.

What I sensed my inner being was highlighting from the list were a lot of repressed anger or unexpressed emotional issues. And I sensed that the family references may have been indicating that these denied emotions were anchored in my childhood. But I honestly couldn’t think of any anger issues that I hadn’t already processed. I truly felt I had worked through the anger regarding my Mom and family judging me so harshly regarding weight issues years ago as well as other childhood issues. So, I couldn’t relate to what this was specifically pointing to, but I knew the answers would open up for me. So, I set the list aside.

For the next couple of days, I’d look over the list and pondered the connection between all of these ailments. And the idea began to form that perhaps the Universe had been trying to get my attention for a long time… years in fact, but I didn’t know how to read the signs. Therefore, the Universe provided more “physical symptoms” with the expectation that I would “get it”, even though I didn’t. The physical conditions went from slightly annoying to frustrating, and then eventually, to soooo BIG, even I couldn’t deny that SOMETHING was going on WITH AN AGENDA and was trying to get my attention.

Hello Universe, what are you trying to communicate?

Unexpected Outburst of Anger (Part 2 of 7)

2009-11-28T14:53:00.000-08:00

Finally, the doctor said the infection was gone, but now he determined I was anemic. So, even though the pneumonia was over, the physical fatigue would hang on for awhile, until I had replenished my iron level. At this point, I was convinced it was all part of one giant package of physical symptoms that were a part of the Universe trying to get my attention, so I took the anemia diagnosis in stride.

A couple of days later, Mom called. While in conversation, she mentioned that she had read my previous blog (“Who’s in control of my operating system?”) and wanted to tell me some thoughts she had while reading it. Well, the first story was when I was 2 yrs old, and she remembered how I didn’t want to eat any of the baby food she fed me. And the only thing I wanted was to drink my milk. Because of this, she took me to the pediatrician, who prescribed some kind of tonic that was supposed to increase my appetite and get me to eat. But, she said it didn’t work, so she threw the tonic away. And while she was telling me this, it made me feel more validated in the conclusions I had made in my previous blog.

Then, she continued with her feedback to my blog, and was recalling this pink dress I wore to my Jr. High School graduation. Apparently, my great aunt had a pretty strong opinion of my appearance, and commented to Mom that I should have been wearing a GIRDLE !!! Upon hearing that, this incredible surge of anger began to erupt inside of me, and I could feel my “Wendy, stay in control” persona try to shove the anger back down, when I decided to do something different, and NOT squelch it this time. I decided to explore this feeling. So, after Mom said what she said about my great aunt’s opinion, I told her that I was really surprised, but as she was telling this story of what my great aunt said, a rush of negative feelings were surfacing.

I began to express these feelings to my Mom. I started with being so angry that the adult females of my family all had the opinion that I was overweight, and that something had to be done about it. As I continued to rant, my voice grew in intensity about what I was saying. I cried out that “there was nothing wrong with me, and I wasn’t fat… I was perfect, I was perfect just the way I was – and if anyone bothered to really pay attention to ME, they would have seen how athletic I was, how physically active I was, how I loved to play on the monkey bars, how I’d been in dance classes for years, and practiced all the time at home, I loved doing gymnastics in the house, in the backyard, anywhere I could find room to do running cartwheels. I played softball, I roller skated like crazy, I rode my bike everywhere, etc. I was a typical adolescent whose body was changing. And if everyone would have stayed out of my business, most likely my body would have naturally lost the adolescent body fat, and slimmed down as I grew in height… just like a kid’s body is supposed to work."

ASIDE: Because of their nagging lectures and their negative vibration of concern about my weight, I absorbed ALL of THEIR crap! I hadn’t yet developed cognitive adult filters of rational adult-like reasoning where I could have logically considered whether their concerns were accurate for me or not. As a kid, you just absorb whatever’s in your environment; you’re a sponge! That’s why it’s so very important to clean up your act before parenting. But, when immature adults that haven’t worked on their own baggage have children, they impose their baggage upon their children. And then, society says you inherited those traits through “heredity” or “it’s in your genes. Oh, it’s NOT heredity… but, we’ll leave that for another blog.

Still angry while talking to Mom, I went on… Do you know what it was like for me to be dragged off to Weight Watchers meetings in the basement of the hospital at 9 years old? I didn’t really understand why I had to go. But, I didn’t have a choice, you made me go. And when they weighed me, they’d announce my weight out loud which was really embarrassing. Plus, I’d have my weight loss amount written on my name tag, which was always a pitiful number compared to what the other ladies were losing. And to make matters worse, I was the only kid there. And when the adults asked me where my Mother was, I would tell them, that you dropped me off, and would be back to get me. Do you have any idea how alone I felt in that room filled with all those adults feeling sorry for the fat kid sitting alone? Then, at home, I was made to choke down those horrible WW frozen dinners of Haddock or Perch because the program required I eat fish 5 times a week. And you know I hated fish, and today, I still won’t touch it. Then, after 10 weeks, you pulled me out of WW because you didn’t see that you were getting your money’s worth at $5 a meeting because I’d only lost a total of 2 ¼ pounds. And I felt your shame that I hadn’t lost more. I knew I had disappointed you.

I could sense through the anger, this call was unfolding in a significant way as I could feel I was having some kind of emotional breakthrough, and it was really important that I keep going. I continued… did you ever call Jennifer fat? (She’s my sister that’s 10 yrs younger than me.) Mom didn’t respond. You didn’t, I said. And do you know what I did when she was 21 and I was 31? I asked if she would do an experiment for me. I asked her to try on a pair of my jeans and a blazer I’d worn when I was 21 and had returned home from college at my thinnest weight. (Back to this thought in a moment.)

And do you remember when I came home THIN? There was but a brief mention that I had lost weight by family members. I was so disappointed that my Mom did not express that I had finally lost weight, and looked good. Instead, you told me many years later that you purposely did not make a big deal over the way I looked because you thought I was being arrogant about my weight loss. Well, Mom, do you know why I was arrogant? Because my self-image was so damaged by believing I was an embarrassment to my family because I was FAT, and now I’d accomplished what I thought y’all had been expecting of me (losing weight), and there was soooo little fanfare, that just to stay feeling good about myself, I had to sing my own praises because it wasn’t coming from you or the family. I thought my losing weight was a big deal and it would be a big deal to you too, and I deserved more praise and acknowledgement from you! And later as an adult, when I brought this to your attention, I thought at that point in our adult lives, you would recognize how wrong this lack of acknowledgment was, but instead you held to your belief that you did the right thing!

So, Jennifer tried on my jeans and blazer. And do you know what? She was about 4” too big in the waist to close the jeans, and the blazer had about a 6” gap.

ASIDE: The jeans measured 29” in the waist, and the blazer was a size 16. My college studies were in Fashion Design, where I learned all about the size tables and how they were developed in the 1950’s. And those size tables were in the process of being adjusted throughout the 1980’s to accommodate the modern American sized woman. Because, as the average American woman’s size was no where near what the average size was in the 1950’s, and the modern woman’s psyche wasn’t accepting the reality of seeing her size go up, the fashion world made concessions by adjusting the size table by 2-3 sizes which translated to about 4-6 inches. So, when I had lost weight in college (1981), and was at my thinnest, I was wearing size 16 clothes which was still in the 1950’s size scale. (And as matter of important trivia to prove my point, Marilyn Monroe wore a size 16 – and she was considered a bomb shell!). The size tables HAD changed at the time I was doing this experiment with my sister (1991). Because even though she could NOT fit into my size 16 clothes from 1981, she was wearing clothes with labels of size 10 and 12! So, by that comparison, making all things equal, when I was at my thinnest, in today’s sizes, I would have been wearing a size 8 easily. And yet, here’s the kicker, my sister wasn’t considered fat by anyone in our family. She never got the FAT label. She did not grow up with the damaged body-image. Oh, no, that was MY family legacy to carry that no other sibling was made to endure. And this is what I’m so angry about – I seem to be the only one in the family that seems to really understand this injustice. The injustice that I was judged so harshly about my size, but my sisters were NEVER judged by the same standard. The INJUSTICE is the specific thing that I’m furious about, and have never really been able to completely release. And with this thought of Injustice, I experienced a feeling inside my belly, that felt like a “thud” that let me know this IS what this anger issue is all about. And at the same time I felt the thud, I recalled it was the same feeling I had when I knew I didn’t need a degree to credentialize me. (As described in the blog titled: “What’s in a piece of paper, anyway?”)

I rampaged my anger about 30 minutes. Poor Mom – she didn’t deserve the full assault as it was coming out of me. I told her I hoped she was not taking this personally because it was not meant as such. And although she said, she wasn’t, it was hard for me to believe she wasn’t hurt because the child in me was expressing very raw anger and since she was on the other end of the phone, it was all directed at her. But, I felt I had to get the feelings out. I was shocked at how forceful the tears poured down my face while conveying so much rage. And yet in the midst of ranting to Mom, I was so aware that I was having a fabulous breakthrough! And for this I was delighted. These were definitely feelings that I thought had been dealt with years ago, but apparently not as completely as I had thought, or they wouldn’t have erupted so violently like this.

Mom said she needed to get off the phone because my pain was too much for her. That got me even more furious. I had been the rock for our family. I’d been there for her during her many meltdowns – and there have been MANY. But, here I’m having an important breakthrough event, and she couldn’t stick with me. Part of me recognized it would be good to end the call, and the other part of me was even more enraged. It felt like this was just another experience of the injustice I’ve experienced with my family. I did my best to end the call on a note that would not have caused us to have a strain in our relationship going forward, but in my emotional state, I don’t know how successful that was. I guess I’ll know in time.

The good however, that came from this call with Mom was “off the charts” GOOD!!! Before this call, remember I didn’t know how any of those emotional root causes about repressed anger and family issues related to me. Well, now I have a BIG CLUE. The emotional “cat has been let out of the bag” and has made it’s presence known. So, at least now, I have something to work with.

Only I can release myself from their judgment (Part 3 of 7)

2009-11-28T14:48:00.000-08:00

The pressure behind my eyes from the intense crying remained for a couple of days which was a continual reminder that the anger that had finally been liberated was monumentally significant in my journey. My head was now filled with thoughts trying to reconcile these feelings. And as usual, my thoughts rambled… I thought that because they (my family) had all decided to project their judgment of fatness upon me, I believed I was fat regardless of what I actually looked like. I have so many photos that show a Wendy that looked great, but I couldn’t accept how great I looked, I couldn’t accept I was thin because of the ever-present and ear-piercing criticisms that were inside my head, telling me I was overweight. This inner voice was so authoritative and believable, who was I to resist?

Their strong feelings of judgment that I was overweight – were feelings I buried at a very early age. Expressing them was not an option because it hurt too much. And I did such a good job of repressing them, Mom thought I was in denial about the weight issue, and thought I wasn’t even aware of it. And on some level, I didn’t really understand what all the fuss was about because I was too young to fully comprehend – I might have been only 8 when I remember the judgment begin. But, on another level, I fully absorbed the energy vibration of the pain and judgment which was very real.

I felt a need to obtain “their” approval – and I realized now, that receiving their approval would never happen. Because even when I did reach thinness – Mom had her excuses to withhold her approval. I thought they’d all be happy once I achieved thinness – but they all betrayed me. I had no idea the reward of approval would NEVER be presented even when I gave them what I thought they’d been demanding of me. IT WAS A TRICK! It felt like it was one big cosmic trick. Yep, this is the crux of the anger. I knew I hit pay dirt. This is what I’ve been so angry about. And at this point, I was able to recognize that this injustice issue where I talked about “my sister trying on my thin clothes and the comparison of how I was viewed compared to her” as a reoccurring issue that surfaced in my adult life every now and then. But, always with a minuscule amount of emotion surrounding it. And then, it would just recede into where ever it came from until then next time it surfaced. But, because the emotion was never that strong, it was easy to dismiss. But, now, after this rage-filled outburst of emotion, I can look back in hindsight to recognize that of all of the anger issues I’d processed on this topic, this one had been overlooked.

Now, I see that the truth is they COULD NEVER see me as thin. They couldn’t. They couldn’t because they focused for so long on my being overweight, that even when thinness was standing right in front of them, they couldn’t change their judgment because they couldn’t see anything but fat. And yet, I’ve been waiting for them to release me from their judgment.

BIG EPHIPHANY HERE… they can’t release me from my believing “I’m the fat one”. Only I can release myself from this judgment. As a matter of fact, even if they had all completely changed their opinion of me; and they all saw me as thin, I still would NOT see myself in that light because I’m the one that has perpetuated this judgment. And granted, I did not initiate these fat thoughts, but I am the one that has sustained them for all of my adult years. And the upside to this IS… if I’m the one that that has had the power to sustain these thoughts, I have the power to stop and change these thoughts!

So, I asked myself “If the belief “I’m fat” is a lie, then what is the truth? And the evidence to know when I’ve reached this truth I’m seeking IS that it will have to be something I can believe (not just think sounds good) because it has to be powerful enough to replace the belief that “I’m fat” where I can really FEEL the difference in my gut.

This whole scenario validated that doing anything for someone else’s approval is dangerous. If I didn’t care about my family’s approval, I could NOT have been so negatively influenced by what they thought. However, like I mentioned before, I was but a child. How could I NOT absorb the energy in my environment. Children are sponges, and can not help, but to absorb whatever’s in their environment. But, thank goodness, as adults, we can change the energy that we hold with a deliberate shifting of what we give our attention to, thus what we believe.

Distorted body image (Part 4 of 7)

2009-11-28T14:45:00.000-08:00

I was so excited by how these issues in my life were unfolding before me:

1) I had pneumonia that pointed me to unresolved anger.
2) The anger finally had a voice, and uncovered the anger at the injustice of my family viewing me as the “fat one”.
3) Still in search to find a new truth that when found will completely alter my perception about this injustice.

I was on a roll… so it was only right that the next negative feeling would surface.

I was thinking how this injustice had affected my life. How holding this belief that “I’m fat” colored everything I did. I recalled how the feeling I was overweight affected how I met friends. I constantly compared my body to theirs, and in my mind, always lost the competition. I was often jealous, wishing I was the one that the boys flirted with, not my cute & thin best friends. It totally affected how I interacted with boys, and later men.

The judgment that was placed upon me as a child, I carried into my adulthood. It was active everyday, in most every way I can think of. It had become more than just a judgment against me, it had morphed over time into my identity. Therefore, it was always with me because it had become ME. And who you are affects all interactions you have with people, regardless if they are a cashier at a drive-thru, a co-worker, your best friend or spouse.

I felt sorry for myself. I felt I’d missed out on “what could have been”. This was very painful to let myself feel. But, I went there, deep into the feelings of anger, blame, regret, sadness, etc. I knew if I dismissed the feelings, they would only resurface again later, so I should explore them now, and give them expression.

I remember a story my girlfriend has told me a number of times. And with each time she told me the story, it felt like a dream; I wished that her perception was accurate, but knowing how much she loves me, was just telling it to me in the light that would uplift me and make me feel good. She was a part of a cast of about 150 actors heading to Moscow to perform a Passion play for which I was the costume designer. We were on the plane and it was night. There were a handful of us that couldn’t sleep, so we gathered around the exit door which was in the middle of this huge plane. The way she tells the story, I was the center of attention of all of these men. When she saw the crowd gathered, she wanted to join in, but had to push through a crowd of men to reach me. She goes on to say how we were talking and telling stories, and how every man hung onto my every word.

Over the years, as I spoke critically about myself in reference to the lack of male attention I received, she’d retell that story to illustrate how attractive I am to men, but I just couldn’t relate. I knew her unconditional love for me had affected her perception of me, and I wished she was right, but I knew she was not.

In a recent phone conversation with her, we were on this topic again because I was explaining the journey I’ve been on regarding weight loss and my self-image with regard to my appearance. And she told me that out of the blue, her husband who has probably only seen me on 3 occasions (because they live in another state) brought me up in conversation. He commented how beautiful I am physically, and how very proportionate my body is. Now, I can’t begin to figure out what possessed him to even say that, but as she told me, I cried. I thought that was the nicest thing I’d ever heard. And his perception of me was something that I felt compelled to roll over in my mind to try to understand. I decided to tell myself “I am beautiful” right after that conversation. I realized that if her husband could see this about me, I ought to accept it too. So, with about 80% belief, I decided to focus on the idea that “I’m beautiful.” At least, it felt better than the alternative I’d been saying about myself.

I know I’ve met people that regardless of their body size, I found incredibly beautiful because I was seeing the REAL person. So, maybe my girlfriend’s husband was thinking about me from that perspective, the REAL Wendy. Now, I’m not trying to infer he wasn’t talking about the external Wendy at all, but that the internal Wendy that he saw overpowered the essence of the whole of Wendy. So, I pondered that for awhile until that became a distinct possibility.

Another friend has often told me that I’ve never taken a bad photo, and that I’m so photogenic. I’ve thought he was off his rocker every time he’s said that. I don’t think I’ve ever really liked a photo I’ve taken. I always thought the photo either captured me from a bad angle showing the fattest view of my body, or captured a facial expression that showed off my fat jowls or whatever! I thought he was crazy, and definitely dead wrong!

I again fell into the negative feelings, recognizing now that my body-image was so distorted that I couldn’t be trusted to see myself as I really am. I held onto this one for awhile. This was painful to realize. I compared myself to an anorexic that was barely 80 lbs and on the verge of death due to malnutrition. And when Oprah asked what she saw when she looked in the mirror, her response was that she saw herself as FAT. The audience was as shocked as I was that anyone so thin could not see what we saw. We saw her as skin hanging over thin bones, but HER perception of herself was HER REALITY. It’s the image she saw. And because her image was so distorted and her beliefs were so real for her, she was held prisoner by complete untruths.

Was it possible that I could have such a distorted view of myself, that I too have been imprisoned by untrue beliefs? Was my girlfriend right? Did she see a reality on that plane I could have experienced and really enjoyed, except for this distorted view of myself? Was I really physically beautiful? Was I really photogenic? And the tide began to turn…

I’d been waiting for someone in my family to see my comparison of my sister NOT fitting into my THIN clothes as the WAKE UP CALL for them to recognize the truth, and apologize to me for mis-judging me. Well, I can see now, that ship has sailed. Thank goodness, I don’t have to assemble all of my family members both dead and alive to all agree with me anymore. I have seen the error of my previous thinking. I am beautiful and I’m fabulous. And it was the distorted perception that mis-colored the experiences that I could have had.

So, now I was really pissed, thinking about all the pleasurable experiences I had missed with this distorted thinking. For so many years, I thought I was unworthy of a decent man’s attention because I was overweight. Mom specifically told me growing up “Men like THIN women”. And I believed her, although I wanted desperately to prove her wrong. And there were so many other thoughts of regret for what I felt I’d missed, but I didn’t feel the need to drag myself down any further with my pitiful memories.

Thinking again about my girlfriend’s version of the plane story, I was considering the possibility that if one of those men WERE attracted to me, I don’t believe I would have been able to recognize his signs of interest due to my belief that men could not be attracted to me unless I was thin. (Ironically, this one of the times in my life, I had lost weight and had a firm body from regular working out, but I wasn’t as small as a size 8, so I wasn’t “thin” in my perception.) So, then I wondered how many wonderful men I’d know, may have thought I had blown them off?

I recall a guy in my early 20s, who was my closest confidant although I was dating someone else at the time. Bert was always there for me, even when Doug was being a jerk. Then when Doug & I broke up, Bert disclosed how he’d been in love with me that whole time. I was in shock; I completely missed the signs. And because I could really only attract men that would be in alignment with my distorted self-image, I fell for Doug who was only too eager to remind me of how I should lose weight. Of course, Bert, was always appalled when I confided in him what Doug had said about my weight. And of course, I didn’t return Bert’s feelings of love because he wasn’t in my energetic range of attraction. He wasn’t on the same energetic wave length my distorted self-image was on… so here was one of the decent guys I wished for, but couldn’t really have.

I discussed the subject of my distorted self-image with my husband of 9 years. I asked him to recall our relationship when we were first dating and to tell me what it was like for him in regards to what signals I gave him to let him know I was interested in him. And he responded, “You gave me nothing”. He said the only reason he thought I was interested was because of certain things I’d say. One of which was saying that in my dating history, I’d had many first dates, but rarely did they go to a 2nd date, so he figured I must like him or I wouldn’t have continued to go out with him. So, I then asked, if I didn’t give him signals indicating my interest, why didn’t he just move on. He said he saw something in me that he really liked, and felt I was worth pursuing. I cried... not only for the sweetness of him believing I was worth pursuing, but for the pain I caused him for not having the ability to show him how much I was truly falling for him. That is an experience I felt he deserved, and instead, he was flying blind without a net. But, I’m so glad he’s the kind of man that was willing to take the personal risk, and go for it!

I knew I was beginning to hit the limit to how much regret and self-pity I could deal with. I was feeling an incredible feeling of waste. I found myself going down a self-destructive path. I began to focus on “what my life could have been like” if I hadn’t had this distorted thinking. And there were so many “what-ifs” – I couldn’t stand thinking about it anymore. And bottom line, I sensed I’d gotten all I needed from exploring this negative point of view, and it was time to stop lamenting over it.

So, I felt the need to be deliberate about were I focused my thoughts. I know there is a healthy time to allow myself to feel into negative feelings. But, that is when you feel they are taking you on a ride into a better feeling place. But, with the path of “what-ifs” before me, I knew, I was headed toward more pain and self-pity and certainly not in a direction that would take me into a more hopeful place. So, I re-centered myself with the intent to look for thoughts to focus on that would move me from where I was to a where I was headed.

Midnight Munchies (Part 5 of 7)

2009-11-28T14:27:00.000-08:00

For the next couple of days, I was being so deliberate about asking the answers to come to me. But, nothing was coming and I was getting frustrated. And then, I noticed how strong this feeling was to get answers, and I recognized a sense of desperation (a negative feeling) within the desire for answers. So, I knew I was pushing too hard, and would have to release my grasp on my desire to get answers. So, I decided I would let go… just live life, and trust the answers would show up. So, I let go.

Two days later, I wasn’t concerned about receiving the answers anymore, instead I was “chilled out” on that topic. And I noticed I had been feeling really good, really happy for what seemed like no particular reason, except perhaps the expectation that good things were in store for me.

I wasn’t yet sleepy when Paul went upstairs to bed, so I stayed downstairs to watch some TV. Within a couple of minutes, I noticed this feeling come over me. I felt the desire to go to the pantry and fridge to eat something. I checked inside myself to see if I was hungry, and I wasn’t. I was still satisfied from dinner that was 3 hours before. So, I told myself to NOT to go to the pantry, and just watch TV. But, the feeling persisted, and the more I resisted going to the pantry, the stronger the urge became until it became a driving force. This driving force was so powerful, it was extremely difficult NOT to follow its lead, so off to the pantry I went to get some chips. But, it didn’t matter that I was eating chips, I thought “WOW” since I have such clarity about having this strong feeling, let’s use this as an opportunity to find out what it’s about. So, I more deliberately felt into the feeling in order to identify it.

I felt intense anxiety and frustration. Mmmm, “what does that mean?” I asked of the feeling. And instantly, I was recalling a memory from when I was a teenager. I was remembering how I’d wait until Dad went off to bed around 11:00 or 11:30 (Mom and my siblings were already in bed). And once I knew everyone was asleep, I had the house to myself. During the time before I went to bed, I was in control of ME. No one to watch over what I ate, or didn’t eat. No one to tell me what I ate was right or wrong. I was free from “their” external control. I could exert my own control. I could do whatever I wanted without an audience of judgment. So, I’d immediately headed to the kitchen. I ate one food until I was satisfied with it’s taste. Then, I eat something else, and then I’d eat something else, and so on until I was stuffed. Always, making certain I didn't eat too much of any one thing that Mom would notice... this way my midnight munching would go undetected.

I realized the feeling that I was currently experiencing was that same feeling I had from this teenage memory, and have continued to have ever since. I pressed in for a deeper meaning, and recognized I just wanted to FEEL FREE! I wanted to be free, and not be controlled by the peanut gallery of well-meaning, but VERY wrong voices that were present in my environment. So, there I sat, feeling this feeling that originated at least 30+ years ago, and I felt the same way as I did back then.

I was surprised by this, and yet not surprised at all. This was another of those insidious feelings that I’ve experienced so regularly, that I’d just come to “live with it” – so I didn’t really give it any attention, thus it fell outside of my radar, where it was allowed to live on day after day.

So, now I’d identified the feeling and it’s meaning (the desire to feel free and not be controlled). And I began to converse with myself about this… and I realized, I am FREE today. There’s no one judging me as to what to eat or not eat – at least no one whose opinion matters to me.

This doesn’t mean, I’m not bombarded with the ridiculous media that constantly tells me and the rest of the world what I should or should not eat – but I no longer feel all that influenced by them since I decided years ago, that the media is just trying to sell stuff to make money and are willing to say anything to do it even if it UNTRUE – and most of it is UNTRUE!

I am free today, I am free today! No more external voices judging me. And with that, I didn’t feel the need to go to the pantry to eat anything else.

What does that mean? Could it be that easy? Will that driving need to eat late at night when I’m alone show up again? I don’t know. Again, time would tell. For the next week, I was aware of how “THAT FEELING” did NOT show up. So, I’ll just stay aware as time moves forward. But, I have the sense, I’ve taken care of that particular feeling issue. Because negative feelings show up to indicate that we are thinking in ways that are not in alignment to the way our inner being thinks about us. And until we address the feeling and align our thinking to what our inner being knows about us, the feeling persists. And in this case, the message is that the freedom I was seeking way back then, I have. And I really think that if I’d known how to identify and process my feelings back then, I would have found that I was free even then in ways that I’d not allowed myself to see.

And the fun didn’t end there…

Minutes later, while I was watching a TV interview with Janet Jackson, she was asked what her favorite body part was after she’d discussed how weight had been an up and down issue for her. My ears perked up – being curious to hear how this gorgeous mega-super star would respond. Her answer: “the sway of my back”. Mmmm. I thought that was interesting. There was a commercial break, and I was off to the powder room. I was still mulling over Janet’s answer, and it made me think about the small of MY back. Just then, I found myself putting my two hands around my back waist – with my fingertips touching in the center of my back – something I do often. This allows me to feel the smallness of what feels like a petite waist. While my hands were still around my waist, I felt my face begin to smile brightly as the feeling of LOVE for my petite waist filled me. In that moment, I was aware that I LOVE this part of my body. I milked the feeling for a few more moments when I began wondering… If I loved this part, are there others? And I felt an immediate response of “Yes” – as I began to scan my body starting from the bottom. I love my muscular calves, I love my sexy feet, I love my loooong legs, I love the shape of my breasts, I love my long slender arms, I love the angle of my shoulders , and I love my high cheek bones. I was astonished by my exuberant display of love for so many parts of my body. How did I not see this before? And just then “I’m fabulous” popped out of my mouth. I was giddy with delight as I continued to repeat out loud: “I’m fabulous”, “I’m fabulous”, “I’m fabulous”!

This outbreak of love for my body was shocking. I had no idea I could ever feel this way. But, there it was! The feelings were real. And I knew as the words came out of my mouth, I totally believed it, I knew it was TRUE: “I’m fabulous!”

For me, these two late night experiences were like bonus gifts from the Universe! It certainly wasn’t what I was expecting that night, but since the awareness of the anxiety & frustration came so clearly into focus, I went for it, and got a huge gift... followed by having a mini-love affair with parts of my body, resulting in a new empowering belief (I’m fabulous). This was a great night!

ASIDE: I recall doing exercises where I had to write down what parts of my body I could appreciate. I think my list was just as long back then, but my feeling was not LOVE for my body parts, it was barely LIKE. I remember going through the motions of the exercise, but certainly did NOT experience anything close to this night’s reaction.

I’ve come to understand that where you are emotionally, has a lot to do with what thoughts & circumstances you have access to experiencing. And our emotions can change based on what we choose to give our attention to. It’s easy to understand this with this example: Think of a small child who has just fallen down and begins to cry. Then, someone tries to console the child, but the child continues to cry UNTIL they hear the sound of an ice cream truck, and are asked if they want some ice cream. Then, all of a sudden, the waterworks stop, and a smile is on their face as they are now focused on the ice cream. In this example, their attention was diverted from the pain of having fallen down to the joy of ice cream. And it’s no different for adults, except, we are not as easily “fooled” into being distracted from our pain. Adults have all sorts of excuses to hold on to negative feelings.

To provide greater understanding, think of ALL feelings on one emotional continuum, where on the farthest end there is Love, Appreciation, & Joy – this the POSITIVE feeling end that feels self-empowering. Then on the opposite end, there is Despair, Depression, & Grief – this is the NEGATIVE feeling end that feels most disempowering. The truth is, YOU have the power to move in either direction on this emotional continuum. You CAN BE deliberate as to what you choose to focus on. Although, most people are unaware of their power to change how they feel…so they live “by default”. At least that’s what I call it. They experience whatever’s in their environment, and don’t discipline their thoughts to see things from the positive viewpoint. And there ALWAYS is a positive perspective. They let their thoughts run amuck and control their experience. But, we have the power, to choose to perceive a circumstance from a more positive perspective OR a more negative perspective, and which one you choose determines the quality of that experience. This is a really big topic I’ve touched on here. But, for now, I just want to give you a small taste of it.

So, with this emotional continuum in mind… there is another component to consider. You can only receive thoughts & experiences that are within a close proximity to the energetic vibration you are currently at. So, if you are feeling ANGER, and are choosing to see your situation in a more negative perspective, you may begin to think thoughts, such as rage, revenge, hatred or guilt OR you can lean in the positive direction, and your thoughts may lead you into feelings such as blame, worry, discouragement, or overwhelment. I know these “positive” feelings don’t necessarily sound positive in nature, but when taken in context, where your starting point is anger, then feeling discouragement actually feels like an improvement to feeling anger. And to make a shift in your feelings and your vibration in any area of life where you’ve felt stuck, it is recommended to move in the direction of the positive end of the emotional continuum in incremental steps. By taking baby steps, you are ensuring that you will not slide backwards. It is unlikely that a person that has been depressed for an extended period of time, can suddenly be joyful the next day and stay there. But, they can find a thought that gives them back some of their power, so the feeling of depression is relieved a small amount, followed by another thought that allows them to feel a bit better, and so on.

If you recall at the beginning of this night, I mentioned that I was feeling really good and really happy. And when I headed off to the powder room, I was feeling joyful having just resolved an issue as well as being appreciative for what had just transpired and feeling empowered by it. So, I was definitely in the vibrational vicinity to easily receive the thoughts that I did. And in contrast, I recall when I was first doing those exercises years ago. I was in despair, and was extremely depressed about being overweight. So, no wonder the exercise did not provide the intended results – which was to find at least a level of appreciation for some of my body. But, I could barely believe any of the things I wrote down. Feeling as negative and pessimistic as I did, I stayed focused on how hopeless the situation felt, and didn’t know how to do anything else.

Allowing yourself to start becoming aware of what you focus your attention on, will allow you to know what your thoughts are attracting. The vibration you are emanating can be identified, by what shows up in your life’s experience. That’s why I knew that if pneumonia was showing up in my life, then there must have been a negative thought I’d been focusing on, with enough regularity, that I kept that vibration active. And I also realized since I was so clueless about what that thought could be that it must be one of those sneaky thoughts that I think so often, I’m not aware of it. So, by taking care of negative feelings as they pop up, instead of shoving them down only to be dealt with on a bigger scale later, is by far MY preferred way to live life.

Was it all just a waste? (Part 6 of 7)

2009-11-28T14:18:00.000-08:00

And no sooner did I think to myself, I wonder what’s next, and the next question popped up… “how can I look at living the last 40+ years of distorted body-image in a way that I can appreciate?”

Later that morning, a friend called. And I shared my recent experiences and how I was currently in a search, that would allow me to move from feeling I had wasted all of those years of my life, to being able to find a deeper meaning where I could truly appreciate my life’s experience. She was eager to be helpful, and pointed out how what I’d experienced for those 40+ has allowed me to become the person I am today. And although I know that was true, it didn’t quite hit the nail on the head for me, although I felt she was in the vicinity of the answer. So, she continued to expound on her thought, when I gasped. And I said, “I got it”.

In an instant, I experienced the answer to my question. And, to interpret what I felt in that moment of clarity will take more than an instant to explain…

I was so aware that for 40+ years I carried the label and the negative experiences of being fat, felt the injustice of my family’s judgment for being overweight which was then perpetuated by society’s harsh ridicule and shame. I’d experienced fat discrimination on all levels (family, society, and the worst was the self-imposed discrimination). I experienced the depth of despair and utter powerlessness to change.

Throughout these years, I didn’t take this lying down. I fought back. I tried all that I knew to try to change my circumstances. For as long as I can remember, Mom and I were forever discussing how many calories were in foods, and then from time to time, she’d go on a diet, and I’d do it with her. We did Weight Watchers on and off, Aids candies, and other misc. diets.

In my early 20s, I lost about 40 pounds on a 800 calories a day diet – that’s how I lost the weight while in college, but upon returning home to my family, promptly gained 60 pounds in the next year.

I tried long fasts of 10 or 14 days and would lose 15 or 20 pounds only to regain it within a matter of a week or two, plus a couple extra pounds.

I tried diet pills, diet supplements, food combining, high carb/low fat diets, Atkins diet, low glycemic index diet, vegetarian diet, low fat diet combined with regular exercising, the 40/30/30 diet, natural eating diet, customized for my body diet (I paid lots of money for that one), Eat according to your Blood Type diet, Nutri-Systems, and there may have been others, but that’s all I can recall.

With each diet I lost a moderate amount of weight depending on the amount of time I could endure staying on that diet. And with within a short amount of time, the pounds returned, followed by the bonus weight.

I also read self-help books on the subject of proper nutrition, dieting and exercise, trying whatever I’d learn from my reading.

I went into therapy for 4 years and a couple of group counseling groups to lose weight. I did manage to resolve many non-weight related issues, but didn’t budge the number on the scale one iota.

I was convinced by a well-meaning friend to join OA – Overeaters Anonymous. It took 6 months for the group to finally break me, at which time 3 monumentally, life damaging things occurred in my life:

1) Until that time, I refused to introduce myself the way they did, so I just said: “Hi, my name is Wendy”. But, after becoming friends with these lovely people, and recognizing that “my way” hadn’t worked, I’d decided to give their way a try, even though their way felt WRONG. My new introduction went like this: “Hi, my name is Wendy and I’m a Compulsive Overeater”.

2) And worse, after debating the issue for months with them, I finally was willing to consider saying and believing, “I was powerless” (one of the 12 Steps). Until then, I didn’t believe I was EVER powerless.

3) Up until this time (and I was in my late 20’s) I had NEVER used the word FAT to describe myself. I was willing to say “overweight”, but I couldn’t bring myself to say I was FAT because that was like giving in completely to this thing I was still fighting. But, as you can attest by reading my blogs, I’ve learned to completely identify with this label of FAT.

After, a total of 18 months in OA, watching people come and go, lose weight and then gain it back, and after listening to them drone on about what they ate for ever meal of the day, I knew I wasn’t going to find solutions with them because I was feeling more discouraged than ever; I hadn’t lost a pound; and I although I had met many sweet people that were very well-intentioned, I felt more hopeless & powerless than encouraged, so I finally left.

I then began my seminar phase, where I attended trainings that promised you could learn to achieve anything you could dream of. And I dreamed of thinness, so I paid my money, sat close to the front, and really took in ever word. Now, I can say that this stage in my life was useful. As I would learn a new skill set for setting new goals, or healing unresolved issues, I was seeing progress in many areas of my life. And I was assisting my friends and family, and they were seeing positive results. However, although I was finding success in many areas of my life using these empowering tools, nothing was happening in the weight loss arena. And it was that lack of success in losing weight, that would drive me to the next seminar, thinking maybe this seminar had the answer for me.

After spending tens of thousands of dollars, I had built up my tool kit nicely for coaching others, but was broke and fatter than ever.

So, back to …“how can I look at living the last 40+ years of distorted self-image in a way that I can appreciate?”

I got this huge epiphany that what I have done throughout my 40+ years, through much effort, I learned I can lose weight, but never learned how to sustain the weight loss. We all know that it is the maintenance after weight loss that is the hardest. SUSTAINING it is what we are all looking for. And it’s in the sustaining that has been what I was really seeking. And most of the tools for success that I’d learned, didn’t help me sustain the goals I sought to achieve either. I can now articulate that what I really want is to SUSTAIN whatever I’ve achieved. So, if I’ve lost weight, I want to sustain that weight loss!

And with this epiphany, I finally have the awareness that by following the guidance my inner being has been providing for a number of years, I’ve been successful at both accomplishing, and more importantly sustaining!!! The evidence has been in that whatever I have accomplished over the last 7 years, I HAVE kept, AND, it doesn’t seem to end there because momentum has developed. Each accomplishment has been a stepping stone for the next accomplishment. I’m no longer taking 1 step forward, and 2 steps back. Instead, my life is incrementally evolving. Today’s revelation opened my eyes to this important distinction that I had not been aware of – even though I’d been doing it for 7 years.

And it was the intense angry feelings associated with the pneumonia that became the catalyst for me to have my attention drawn to how my accomplishments of TODAY are “sticking”. And without those many years of banging around NOT finding what I wanted, I wouldn’t have been so driven to find answers – which in turn, landed me where I am today.

And today, I no longer fear going backwards because the evidence in my life has shown me without a doubt, I’ve been able to transform unresolved negative feelings into powerful new beliefs. And I NEVER return to the pre-transformation state. This is why my belief is so strong in following the impulses from my inner being. Living in this belief, I’m continually filled with the expectation of getting the results I desire.

As I go forward, I don’t HOPE I will get thin, I know I am currently creating a thin body and a lifestyle that supports thinness – because it is being precipitated by thin thoughts and thin beliefs which turn into thin behaviors. And that is the formula for sustaining thin.

Today, whatever I accomplish, I sustain. And for that I am so appreciative!

Re-connection (Part 7 of 7)

2009-11-28T14:12:00.000-08:00

I was beginning to get lost in all of the old thoughts and all of the new thoughts as so much has been revealed and explored in a short period of time. Where was I in the process of getting resolution and ultimately the freedom from the negative feelings? I know I moved from the anger outburst about the injustice of the fat label to the anxiety & frustration feeling (Midnight Munchies). I felt the exuberance with “I’m fabulous” – which replaced the anxiety & frustration feeling, so I feel solidly complete with that issue. But, I think I’d glossed over finding the replacement thought for the injustice issue. I knew this because as I thought about it, negative feelings were still present.

And that’s the “test” for knowing if you’ve really gotten down to the bottom of an issue you’re working on. When you go back to the original feeling or issue, and get yourself quiet, then ask yourself how you feel about that issue, if you feel neutral or positive or your new replacement belief is the response, you know you’re good to go. But, if the response still feels even a little negative, keep digging for more answers.

So many thoughts on the subject were swirling in my head, and I felt a bit overwhelmed. So, as I lay my head to sleep for the night, I asked the question: “what thought will completely shift my perception about feeling this injustice?” I found myself waking up a couple of times during the night, and each time, I re-focused my thoughts on the question. Since I was on a vacation day from work, by the time I was really waking up, I decided to stay in bed and work on this. Ideas floated around my head, but nothing that had that “knowing” feeling you get when you just know you’ve found the answer you’d been looking for. However, I did feel I was making progress and that the pieces of the puzzle felt like they were beginning to come together. So, after about 15 minutes, I decided to get up and start my day.

Feed the fish, let out the dog, put the dishes in the dishwasher… all the while still thinking about finding a new empowering thought. I had already begun to dig beneath the feelings of injustice, and found an idea that felt even more meaningful and important to me.

Mom tells stories of my being an incredibly joyful child. In recent years, I’ve believed this joyfulness was because I was left to do what comes natural to children. For at least my first 5 or 6 years, I had little parental intervention. Mom has told me that she didn’t really feel she was sure of how to be a Mother when I was a baby. But, by the time my little brother was about 2 (putting me around 5), she felt she had begun to get the hang of it. So, at this point she looked to me, and thought to herself that since I was so joyful and happy without interjecting overt direction, that perhaps, it would be best to leave well enough alone, and let things just continue as is. As I look back over this, I can’t help but wonder if that allowed me to simply experience life by following the inner impulses that came natural to my small little self. Thus, being free to enjoy a stable connection to my inner being, knowing how to interpret those inner impulses, and knowing how to trust their guidance.

I absolutely believe that most parents, teachers, & adults in general, train children away from following their natural inner guidance. And those adults do so because they were trained away from following their natural inner guidance, and so on. I don’t think anyone’s necessarily to blame, it’s just what happens and is perpetuated when people don’t connect to their inner beings. And face it, most people are NOT connected to their inner beings, let alone acknowledge they even have an inner being. Every now and then, we recognize “having a gut feeling” (that’s the impulse from our inner being providing guidance), but making a lifestyle out of paying attention to our inner being, is not what most people do.

However, that IS the premise on how I live my life. And it’s taken me years, and thousands of life experiences to get me to see and know it’s the most effective way of enjoying life that I’ve experienced – which has caused me to also believe it’s how we were designed to live life on planet earth.

The importance of this connection to my inner being, is that my inner being is not just an airy-fairy, spiritual thing. My inner being is ME. My inner being LOVES me in a deep and spiritual way, like no other loves me. My inner being not only knows what’s best for me, but ALWAYS thinks the best of me, never criticizes me, never sees me in negative light. My inner being is always calling me toward all that I’ve ever dreamed of.

I digress… back to putting the dishes in the dishwasher. The thought came that what this whole childhood experience did to me, was to exert external guidance upon me. “Listen to Mom, and listen to us adults telling you what to do.” Their words were overpowering. And I believe that is when I made the HUGE shift from following the still, small, inner voice that I’d trusted since I was born TO following the LOUD voices that were pressuring me.

Now, if I had known that what I was giving up when I traded in my inner being for my family’s approval – it never would have happened. But, I was 9, and I didn’t have that level of awareness back then. Mmmm, I guess that’s why it’s so easy to train children away from their inner beings, because they don’t have the capability to really know what they’re doing.

Then, I had a light bulb moment when I realized that the INJUSTICE story was only the COVER STORY for what was beneath the surface. And the ACTUAL issue was that I was driven away from following the voice of my inner being. AND THAT’S A VERY BIG DEAL !!!

And then without warning, this huge wave of energy descended upon me with a POWERFUL RUSH and I proclaimed out loud with authority and intensity: I DON’T NEED THEIR APPROVAL. I don’t need their approval. I don’t need their approval. I don’t need their approval. I don’t know how many times, I repeated that declaration -- I DON’T NEED THEIR APPROVAL. The tears gushed out of my eyes as I was affirming this out loud. THAT IS IT. I found the truth I’d been seeking.

I don’t need their approval BECAUSE I have my inner being. I don’t need their approval, I have my inner being! That is monumentally significant! And I’ve had a couple of other experiences in my life that have profoundly guided me to learn that I am my own authority. No one knows more about what is “right” for me, than ME. And this understanding today, is an even more powerful experience again guiding me to KNOW that because I am connected to my inner being, and have practiced following my inner being’s impulses, I truly have what I’ve been searching for.

Experiencing fatness, almost seems insignificant right now. It was the fat issue that was on the surface, and beneath that was the feeling of injustice, for being singled out in my family to be judged for my size. BUT, the REAL issue all along, was that I was guided away from my inner being.

My inner being is my authoritative voice, the one that always knows what’s best for me. My inner being and I are ONE. The only difference is that my inner being is the non-physical part of me. (Some people call their inner being, their soul, or their higher self, or their higher power or their God force. And I would even go so far as to say – although this may be a stretch for some, I believe our inner being is the same as the Holy Spirit.)

I feel so relieved right now. This discovery seems so shocking to me. And yet, I can see it as clear as day. I can even go so far as to say, I no longer feel any negative feelings about my Mom or my family’s role in this issue. My judgment of their judgment of me is completely released!

The test: How do I feel when I think about my Mom and my family judging me for being overweight?
Response: All I feel is laughter.

Next test: How do I feel when I think about my sister not being able to fit into my thin clothes, and the injustice I felt that no one saw in the comparison what I clearly saw?
Response: More laughter, and the words: “it just doesn’t matter anymore”

Last test: How do I feel when I think about being trained away from the guidance of my inner being to needing the approval of others as my guidance?
Response: “I’m home”… “I have all I need”…And with that a sense of peace came over me!

This issue can be put to rest. Since I had all positive responses to all of my test questions, I’m “good to go” regarding the negative feelings I’ve worked on.

Just a couple of notes:
I had a hard time understanding how a child of 9 could get pneumonia, especially when pneumonia represented a feeling of desperation, being tired of life, and emotional wounds that were not allowed to heal. But, now I sense the internal battle I must have been under. On one side was the desire to stay with my inner being that had so naturally guided me my whole life vs. the desire for my family to approve of me. The struggle had to be so intense, that over time, it turned into feelings of desperation. That’s pretty heavy for a 9 year old. Now, I understand how a child of 9 could come down with pneumonia!

The need for approval is so powerful, more powerful than we really give it credit. The theme of my first blog (Meltdown on the Alaska Cruise) illustrated the first time I began to REALLY understand how powerful this need for approval is, and how damaging it can be. And I believe this current blog’s story is an even more pronounced example of the power of the need for approval. Without realizing I was doing it, I traded my inner being for my family’s approval. Of course, I didn’t know at the time, I would spend my life searching for the re-connection to my inner being that I had once had. Being trained away from the relationship to our inner being is pervasive in our society. Being trained away from our inner being comes at a very high price, we just don’t know it. And since most adults are unaware of the concept, they push, prod, and cajole their children into doing things to please them, thus teaching them to strive for their approval.

And in some cases, children go easily, and some times, you get a child that is stubborn like me, and when I went over to the other side, I didn’t go quietly, and the transition was not smooth. I recall being incredibly sad when I was 9 and 10. Perhaps, by the time I reached 11, I was conditioned to this new way of living… and yet, in the background, I now felt an emptiness that could not be quenched. I recall in my high school years, sitting on the edge of my Mom’s bed expressing to her that what I felt inside was this terrible, dark, deep bottomless pit. Eventually, I gave this feeling a name. I called it “THE VOID”. And I was aware of THE VOID feeling until somewhere in my 30’s. I guess that’s when I started to really make a re-connection to my inner being (I just didn’t realize that’s what I was doing). I was just thrilled when I recognized that the horrible void feeling was finally gone; and it never returned, not even on my worst of days!

Although I’ve been re-connected to my inner being for years, I now have it in a FULLER AWARENESS through this process of exploration. This particular episode has spanned 5 weeks. I wondered if all of this was part of my desire to RESET my body’s operating system (from my previous blog: “Who’s in control of my operating system?”). During the time I had pneumonia, I lost about 10-12 lbs. And usually when I lose weight from a sickness, I usually gain it back as soon as I feel better, and resume regular eating. But, in this case, it’s been over three weeks since returning to “normal” eating, and I haven’t gained any of it back. Mmmm, I wonder if this is the beginning of a losing weight in route to thinness? I think so.

What a journey this has been! I’m filled with happiness and satisfaction beyond belief as I write this… I feel so satisfied, I actually feel physically full (and I haven’t eaten in hours). These 5 weeks which produced these seven blogs have been another truly awesome life experience!

Who's in control of my operating system?

2009-10-13T15:22:00.000-07:00

I realize that I take a unique view to how to approach areas in my life that are not yet what I want them to be. I believe it’s never a matter of will power because if it was, I’d be slender many times over, and living in a mansion with a maid, a chef, and a gardner. Instead, I believe that we have powerful thoughts and/or beliefs in place that cause us to both achieve our desires as well as NOT achieving our desires. And this has played out as my truth for years. So, when I’m not getting the positive results that I seek, I search for the belief(s)that is standing in the way of my success.

I found myself once again circling back, to wondering, what it would take to get some traction regarding my desire to lose weight. I have done so much emotional cleaning up on this issue already. And with each new epiphany, I know I was making progress because the old beliefs/issues never re-surfaced, but at the same time, it was never quite enough to move the scale in the downward direction with any consistency. So, I recognized there must still be something else blocking me. But, what could it be? After all what was left to uncover? It’s not like I just started looking at this issue…

So, I deliberately focused my thinking to try to find any negative thoughts in respect to losing weight. And found I wasn’t aware of having any around this subject. So, I put on my detective’s cap a little tighter, and decided to pay even closer attention my thoughts. And well, a couple of weeks past, and still nothing.

So, back to the drawing board… what else could it be I pondered… as I retraced my thoughts, and still I couldn’t find anything. But, just when I thought I’d have to pack it in for the day on this subject, I felt a particular “FEELING”. I was getting up from my desk chair, and I had this awareness while pushing on the arm rests, moving my body upward, that caused a negative feeling in the pit of my stomach. There were no perceptible thoughts associated, just a negative feeling and it was about my body!

I gasped because I’d been so unaware of it until now, but I recognized it as a very FAMILIAR feeling! As a matter of fact, I’ve experienced this feeling multiple times a day… like whenever I see myself in the mirror, or require extra effort in getting up from the couch, and so on.

So, now, I felt a little excited, like I was on to something with this new awareness.

I then asked myself “what does this feeling feel like?” And the voice in my head uttered a sound something like “ughhh” (with a guttural tone). And I asked myself, “what does ughhh mean? And the response inside my head was “It’s too hard” (with the tonality of dopey dog). And then, there was this accompanying feeling of utter despair. The kind of despair where you feel there’s no use, there’s no point in trying, it’s hopeless…

Wow, that was quite a discovery!!! Here, I finally recognized that I’d been feeling this way for ages, but it was so “under the radar” of perception, I was unaware that this negative feeling had been lurking about.

Now, I believe that within EVERY feeling is a message from our Inner Being. But, we have to be aware of the feeling, or we miss the message waiting for to us. So, having uncovered that negative feeling… I knew I was making headway.

It was a Friday at the end of the business day when I uncovered this. So, feeling pretty enthusiastic and passionate about this new discovery, I declared to myself that I would take the weekend to get a breakthrough regarding this “ughhh” feeling. What that means is…I will be deliberate about my thinking. I will ask myself questions, and I will expect answers. But, I always give myself a break, where if the answers don’t come immediately, I go and do something else, and return to the breakthrough mission later.

And, so I began.

What I feel now: “It’s too hard” (to control my weight).

What I want: ”I want thinness to come to me as natural as breathing comes to me”.

Now that I’ve identified where I am AND where I want to go, I then ask myself all sorts of questions around these 2 thoughts…and then let my thoughts roll…

…I’m trying to control something that was perhaps never meant for me (or any human) to control. My body knows exactly what to do, and how to care for itself... it knows how to metabolize perfectly. It knows how to ask for what it needs – by proving food cravings or a desire to move in certain ways.

So, who am I to try to “control” my body?

What if I was on the right track as a child. What if I was doing everything right… following those internal signals telling me when I was hungry, and leading me to the foods that would nourish my small body. What if all the physical activity I was doing was because it’s what my body was internally asking for, and as a child I simply followed the impulses. And what if, the beauty of the natural rhythm of me following my body’s signals got interrupted when the family intervened? Apparently, as the story goes, I had 2 grandmothers, and a great aunt express their concerns about my weight to my mother, and persuaded her to believe she needed to do something about my weight or it would get out of control. Mind you, I was only about 5, 6 or 7 yrs. old, and in the 60’s, I was considered “chubby”, although no one bothered to recognize how incredibly physically active I was – a possible athlete or dancer in the making.

And, when the family intervened, EXTERNAL controls were introduced.

Which reminds me of a story that I recall mom telling me. When I was around 2 or 3 yrs old, she would follow me around the apt, putting saltine crackers in my hands, hoping I would eat them because she felt I wasn’t eating enough. Now here’s an idea that came from remembering that story – What if I was already eating all that my little body needed? And with mom sticking crackers in hands, and trying to get me to eat them, perhaps she was trying to “control” a system that was already “perfect” and she was contaminating it by trying to control it?

That makes me feel like I want to throw the giant “RESET” button on my body. I’d like to go back to the natural controls that were in place when I first emerged into this physical existence. To follow the natural laws…I believe that would mean, if I was hungry, my body would send me a signal indicating hunger, then my body would also send me signals through cravings for the kind of food it wanted. Likewise, when my physical body felt the desire for physical activity, I would be inspired to stretch, or walk, or whatever.

I believe my body has the innate intelligence to always care for itself. And the problem is that we (as humans) have gotten in the way of “what was meant to be a perfect, self governed system”. But, what if the truth is, if we let go of trying to control our bodies, the body’s natural intelligence will begin to take over, and will once again govern itself.

The question is how do I let go of a lifetime of habitual thoughts that have been controlling what my body does?

Bathroom break. (I mention this, because I find that when I’m in the powder room, the most interesting thoughts occur to me.)

And my thoughts while on break did not disappoint… they continued into even deeper ideas… So, I’ve pretty much always had this viewpoint… that I ONLY try things I believe I could be really good at. And what if I intuitively knew that if I tried to govern my body’s needs, I would fail. Because how can I possibly run a system that is so complex. Therefore, maybe I knew my body (like a computer) would always be superior at it. And controlling this area of my life would NOT be something I considered prudent, therefore it fell outside of the things that I wanted to tackle.

I am good at so much, but everyone one of them are things that I LIKE to do and on some level come easy to me… as natural as breathing, you could say.

So, if I’m holding the reigns on this area of my life because I’ve been brainwashed into thinking – it was up to me to control… BUT, I’ve felt that it was too hard to control… and because intuitively I knew it was NOT the arena that I was meant to control... Maybe, I’ve known the REAL TRUTH all along… that when it comes to my body, that system is already in good hands… perfect hands… the hands of my Inner Being… and my Eternal nature has that one under control… Leaving me to control other things, such as deciding what I’d like to create and master in my life.

Mmm… so when it comes to my body, I can rest comfortably knowing that if I DON’T control it, it’s not like it will run amuck… NO, it will be controlled by the ONE that was always intended to control it… the Universal Force, my Inner Being, my Eternal Self.

And I’ll bet that was how life as a human beings was always intended to be. So picture this, me as My Eternal Self emerges into this physical body as a baby. And the deal was that my Eternal Self would keep the body operating… mmm, like my Eternal Self controls my operating system, like an operating system on a computer. And it was intended that the arena that I would play in, would be that of the applications. I would decide through exploring life, what apps to upload. So, maybe it was never meant for me to mess around with trying to control the operating system (my body).

I’m liking where this train of thought is taking me.

But, I can feel the vibration (or energy signal) I’m emanating into the Universe feels out of control, incapable, and resistant. And I’m deeply concerned about the vibrational nature of my thoughts because whatever energy signal I send out into the Universe is what comes back to me. And I’ve been getting 40+ years worth of “out of control, incapable, and resistant” thoughts & experiences coming back to me regarding my body. So, I am seeking to change those thoughts, so my energetic vibration will change, so what I send out into the Universe is what I want returned back to me, such as “thinness coming to me as natural as breathing comes to me”.

So, these “ughhh” feelings are the culprit. I experience feeling them multiple times a day, sending a constant stream of yucky vibrations into the Universe, thereby mucking up my energetic system. It seems kind of like, a computer virus. When a virus is introduced to a computer, it causes the computer to do a bunch of weird stuff that it was never intended to do. The virus attacks the operating system, messing it up. And I’ll bet that’s what my “ughhh” vibration has been doing to my body… sending it all kinds of warped and weird instructions.

So, I’m thinking when I replace those “it’s too hard” thoughts, which would be like removing a virus from a computer and RESETTING the operating system back to the default settings, it would be like having my body RESET back to its natural state of optimum performance. And I can get back to what I was intended to do: purposefully creating a wonderful life.

New thought: I release control of my body to my Eternal Self. And in so doing, it will run perfectly and return to its natural state... healthy, strong, flexible, agile, energetic, full of stamina, thin, beautiful, glowing skin and youthful.

That new thought feels really good. The original thought of “it feels hard” doesn’t feel so true any more. I can sense these new ideas have caused me to see my relationship to my body in a very different light. So, the idea of “it feeling hard for me to control my weight”, seems a bit odd now because NOW I’m thinking why would it be for me to control? That’s not my responsibility. That is the responsibility of my Eternal Self.

So, where does this leave me in terms of what should I eat, or how I should exercise? I feel that since I’m giving the responsibility of my body’s health back to my Eternal Self, thus resetting my system back to the default settings, I would expect communication from my body. I will do my best to be listening for the new signals. And I have a feeling, what my body tells me may not be anything like I might think it to be. So, I will just have to stay tuned in, and I’ll find out.

At this point, what I do know IS that I have greatly shifted my perspective regarding my relationship to my body. And as my past experience has taught me… once I make a shift in my perception, the vibrational offering that goes into the Universe also changes, and thus what will come back to me will be different. So, I’m excited to see what this piece of work has done for me. The evidence will be in what shows up.

I do feel a huge feeling of relief, of freedom from the bondage of thinking I had to figure it all out. I am happy to have my Eternal Self back on the job. And I’m prepared, so if an old negative feeling shows up regarding my body’s state, I will enthusiastically counter with my new thought, reminding myself that I am no longer managing the day to day aspects of my body’s weight because control has been delegated to my Eternal Self who is better equipped than I at managing that task.

The question remains… is this the last and final piece of work I will need to do on this subject? Well, I’m always the eternal optimist, and life will let me know the answer to that one. But, I know for now, that I have not experienced the “ughhh” feeling for over 48 hours, and that has to be a record. I love the results of deliberately working on thoughts and beliefs.

P.S. After doing this piece of work, I felt like being active, so I got out of the house and went on an adventure.

What’s in a piece of paper, anyway?

2009-09-13T17:26:00.000-07:00

For me, nothing evokes the feeling of utter satisfaction and joy as when I have the opportunity to share a gem of an idea, an insight, or a nugget of truth, and the person’s eyes light up, and the light bulb goes on for them. And now, they have a new understanding, a deeper meaning, an epiphany!

This is what I believe I was born to do… to encourage, educate and inspire others to be more. And this is what I’ve been wanting / trying to figure out how to do for decades on a bigger scale. I believe that somehow, someday, in some way, I will figure out how to take what brings me ultimate joy and turn it into my livelihood, so that I could be living my passion everyday instead of just once in awhile. But yet, no matter how I’ve tried to move this thing along, it never really took off. I felt something was blocking me.

So, I finally put in some really “focus” time. I mean, I wasn’t going to just let more time go by and hope that by magic the answer would come to me. I decided to be deliberate in my pursuit. I started asking myself questions that I expected answers to. And then, a thought came with excitement that felt inspired: Set up a time to talk with this particular friend of mine. He’d been extremely helpful in coaching me in the past regarding career issues, so it made sense that this was the direction for me to go. And I told him that my expectation for our call would be, that through his guidance, we would uncover whatever was standing in the way from me moving forward in making my passion my reality.

The day came. Butterflies were in my stomach. I was excited and anxious – the good kind of anxious… like it’s Christmas and you’re about to open your gifts, expecting fabulous stuff to be in those wrapped packages. The conversation began, and he was on target as usual, presenting really useful ideas. But, after 2 hours, my inner dialogue that began with, “I know we will identify the blockages” sullenly moved to, a more consoling dialogue of “well, this was a good start, and it’s okay if I don’t get it all unearthed now because I know it’s coming, it just may not be in this call.” I was feeling a little disappointed that our conversation wasn’t moving me in the way I thought it would.

But I continued to stay open minded to his coaching. Then a real shift came. He suggested that I change my languaging of what I do from “counseling” to “a life coach”. Reason being, a “counselor” has a degree with clinical expertise, and he commented (although painful to hear) that I did not have that level of expertise. And as much as it pained me to agree with him, I had always had that same thought in the back of my head that there were areas I was not qualified to counsel. He encouraged me that I didn’t need to be credentialized or degreed because a life coach doesn’t require any type of formal training. I knew he was right about a “life coach” not requiring a university degree, but this notion ruffled my feathers something fierce. Because for some reason, I had it in my head that no one would listen to me, if I didn’t have the right credentials.

I then launched into my discontent on the subject… I knew I was intelligent, after all, I graduated #2 out of over 600 students in my high school. And people have always commented on how smart I am. But, it killed me that I didn’t have a degree because I’ve met so many people that are so enamored by people’s degrees and credentials that I’ve felt inadequate saying I could help anyone, if I didn’t have the certification to prove it. And the irony is that I’ve purposefully taken the life path that did NOT include the degrees. Logically, I always believed that the proof was in the pudding, not in the piece of paper. But emotionally, I believed otherwise.

After high school, I studied Fashion Design, not to make it a career, but because I’d been playing around with making my own clothes since I was 13, and had a strong desire to really know that skill set. And my high school guidance counselor warned me NOT to attend that particular school because the requirements were only that of having a “C” average in high school. And being the “A” student I was, he felt it was beneath me. But, “I’ll show him”, I thought to myself… “he doesn’t know what’s important for me”. And knowing I would only receive a diploma versus a degree was my guidance counselor’s issue, but little was I willing to admit to myself, it was really an issue for me too. So, I cleverly rationalized the diploma versus degree issue by thinking that since I was going to this school to learn the creative skills, and not to make a career out of it, it was no big deal. And I suppressed my desire for the degree, and went ahead with my plans to attend.

I loved my schooling, and it was plenty challenging. I was using my left brain (the creative side) and that did not come nearly as easy as the academic stuff. I had to really work at it, to maintain my “A” student status. Then, in my last year, the school changed gears; it became accredited. And now they offered a degree program, and I could graduate with more than “just a diploma”, I could have the degree I wanted. Now, this created a HUGE dilemma for me. I thought I had rationalized all this degree stuff away before I embarked on this design program. And now, it’s been thrown in my face again. Of course, I wanted the degree; I couldn’t deny that. But, in order to get it, I’d have to squeeze in Business English, Business Math & Business Psychology by graduation day which was only a year away. I’d have to come up with a lot more money to pay for these classes and worse, I’d have to find the time to do the course work. And at this point, it was all I could do to get my fashion design work done using all my spare time and weekends to do it. I didn’t see that I could get the degree without sacrificing my design studies. So, with much reluctance, I aborted the notion of getting that degree, and settled once again for the idea that a diploma was good enough.

After I had graduated from the Fashion Design program, I decided to go to Bible college. Again, for my own personal edification; it was not meant to be a career path. But, upon graduation from Bible college, I would most assuredly have a degree. Yeah!!! So, off to Bible college I went. Then, as life would have it, the ideologies I was immersed in turned sour for me. Circumstances lined up in such a way, that in good conscious, I couldn’t continue staying aligned to the college where their beliefs and my beliefs so vehemently disagreed. So, a semester before graduating, I left. And, I have no regrets about that decision, except one. Once again, I lost the opportunity to have that silly piece of paper that credentialized me.

And so, life marched forward. I did my best to console myself that degrees do not make the person, but I was just fooling myself because that’s exactly what I thought. Overtime, I studied all sorts of holistic practices, getting many certifications, but none from an academic university where I would have a degree. I even framed all of my certifications from the various methodologies I was now certified in; and it truly covered an entire wall… there were lots of them. And I had hoped that by displaying them in my home office, I would eventually recognize my accomplishments and feel I no longer needed the degree from a university. But, it didn’t happen.

So, okay, I finally gave in… if the piece of paper was going to make me feel that the public would pay attention to me, fine, that’s what I’ll get. And I would get credentialized in a way that the general public would recognize me as valid. So, I decided I needed to get a doctorate. Now, to keep in line with my personal integrity, if I was going to spend the time getting this degree, I wanted it to be in the field that would support my passion. So, I got my Bachelor’s degree in Metaphysical Science with ease. And with that degree, I was also awarded the title of “Reverend”. Well, that seemed pretty cool, and a bonus, I wasn’t even aware of it until it came to me. Then, I began on my Master’s degree. And the course work was easy enough. Then, I had to write a thesis. And I almost had it complete, when I realized the very subject I was trying to write about which was supposed to present my findings on a subject from my own personal experience, had a problem. In the process of writing this paper, I had stirred up more questions in me about the subject, leaving me to actually disbelieve what I had written in those 30+ pages. It was now bringing the reader to the conclusion that my findings had in fact, NOT expanded this subject (as it was meant to do) and actually left the reader unsatisfied. Which caused me to recognize that more life experience was necessary to truly place myself in the position to feel that I had something noteworthy to add to the subject.

So, that Master’s degree has been on hold for 4 years now, as I’ve been living life, and gathering many life experiences that is setting me up to re-write the thesis with something valuable to say, although that hasn’t started yet. Fortunately, the university has no time limit on finishing my doctorate program, and they assured me that they had heard similar stories to mine about the delay.

So, as I shared my historical experiences with my friend about my strong feelings with having credentials, both he and I could feel my extreme, negative intensity. I realized I wasn’t just telling him a story to tell him a story… I was sharing from the depths of my being. Almost like screaming from my core, I KNOW I’m smart, but damn it, how will the world ever know it, if I don’t have that damn piece of paper.

And with that, I realized we had uncovered the very issue I’d wanted him to help with. And there it was… it was uncovered… but what now?

We pondered together for a few moments, him trying to convince me of the unimportance of the degree for me to be a life coach, but I wasn’t buying into that idea. And yet somehow, I went straight from telling him my “poor me” story, to feeling this bold, determination rise up with in me and I began to recognize how this whole scenario was sooooo ridiculous! And with great conviction, I began to tell him:

“I have been purposeful about my life. I chose the schooling that suited me because it’s what felt good. I wasn’t interested in the 4 year degree path and had a plethora of reasons for NOT wanting to go that direction. And I didn’t feel I should be punished because I wasn’t like the typical college student… I didn’t fit that mold. I wasn’t like most others. And that is my truth. I’m not like most others. And I don’t fit into any mold. I’m unique. And why can’t my uniqueness be enough for me? And why can’t my uniqueness be my validation.

After all, I’ve made really good choices in my life. And I know many people that have commented over the years, that they want what I have. They want to be more like me. So, whoever I am… must be something of value. Which causes me to wonder, what do I do so differently, that others desired what I had? And the answer was right there on the tip of my tongue… it’s because I’ve made good use of my life experiences.

I didn’t just let life happen to me. I made decisions from a place of deliberate thought. I paid attention to the results of my decisions, and determined whether it was a decision that I would repeat or one that I would not. I realized I did not live my life based on what others told me to. As a matter of fact, I resisted other people’s advise if it didn’t feel right to me. And that is what makes what I have to say special. I’ve been learning over my lifetime to follow the voice from within, and not do what others expected of me, if it didn’t feel right.

I may have been an “A” student in course work, but that’s NOT what makes me smart. The fact that I am LIFE SMART is what makes me unique. Being LIFE SMART is what has made me be the ME that I.”

And as these words rolled out of me, I was ecstatic. I knew THIS was the revelation I had been missing. The uniqueness of me is that I am Life Smart, meaning I’ve been smart in terms of living life. And in that instance as I spoke that truth, the need for the degree was gone, completely gone! I realized there is no certification that could compare to a Life that has been lived on purpose. The evidence of my life’s experience is my life itself. My life is the evidence; and it’s not in a piece of paper. It is a life where I KNOW inner satisfaction. I KNOW I am a woman that makes a difference. I KNOW I could die today with a sense of “job well done.” I KNOW that I love myself, and that my love for myself is not contingent upon having everything in my life be perfect. I KNOW I am worthy of my love. I AM an awesome woman.

After arriving at such a magnanimous conclusion, I now know that my life will never be the same again, because that old belief that I had to have that silly piece of paper is done. I’ve shifted my belief to knowing that I am Life Smart. And being Life Smart trumps any ‘ol piece of paper any day.

And with that, I’ve had another life experience. And today, I can boldly say with confidence, “a degree cannot substitute for life experience. Life experience trumps ALL.”

Meltdown on the Alaskan Cruise

2009-08-26T20:52:00.000-07:00

While on our second day of the Alaskan cruise, I had this dramatic experience that was proceeded by buckets of tears. I had a meltdown. There I was eating with Paul in one of the dining areas, looking at the expanse of the beautiful ocean, and I was crying and blaming Paul for my unhappiness. He was speechless as usual when I have one of these meltdowns… not being the sympathetic, comforting husband that I would have liked. But, really there was nothing he could say that would have made me feel better… not really. I gulped down my food without tasting any of it’s succulent flavor, and felt sorry for myself. We sat in silence, except for sounds of my sniffles, and nose blowing.

Awhile later, after feeling like I was ruining our trip that I had planned for, for a year, I figured I’d better find a way to get to the bottom of this, and fast because I was not willing to wallow in this kind of crap while on this trip. And what I surmised was I was having a “life experience.” The kind of life experience that “words don’t teach.” I was hearing my voice, but seeing mother’s story played out in my marriage. And I was beginning to realize how much I had done and said things to please Paul and practically every human being I’ve ever cared about. I wanted/needed his approval. In this life experience I was recognizing that I was forfeiting my own happiness and relaxation, but Paul could be in his happy zone. I thought the thought of asking if he would help me unpack the suitcases, but I wouldn’t/couldn’t bring myself to utter the words because I might hear his whine of not wanting to – which equals he’s not happy with me for asking… and I wouldn’t/couldn’t bear the pain of his disapproving whine. So, I did all the unpacking while he sat on our cabin’s balcony enjoying what we came on this cruise to enjoy… the cool breezes on our face, the beauty of the water, the horizon that went on forever, and the feeling of breathing in so deep that one could only experience relaxation to the very core of one’s being. But, NO, I cheated myself of that experience that Paul was basking in, while I played the role of good wife, pleasing wife, trip organization wife… And all the while I was feeling anger toward Paul, I was asking probing questions of myself. One of which was “How does my Inner Being see this situation?” And although I couldn’t in that moment answer that question, I KNEW my Inner Being wasn’t resentful of Paul, and also wasn’t concerned about the unpacking or any of the other things I had occupying my mind that I HAD to do. I asked myself for what purpose I HAD to do EVERYTHING that I do. And the answers began coming. I was afraid of experiencing Paul’s reaction to me which would most likely be that of unhappiness of some kind if I asked for his assistance. Which caused me to be aware that in my perception, I was exchanging my happiness for his. And his happiness always won out, when I was in control of the choice. And why was I doing that, I wondered? Answer: My happiness couldn’t be of that much importance to me or I wouldn’t be doing this. Ouch, that idea hurt!

I had learned through teachings, that when I make my happiness my greatest priority in my life, then I’ll be moving in the direction of being in touch with my Inner Being. But, I thought that to do that, I had to be in touch with my feelings, and now I was so conscious of how NOT in touch with my feelings I have been in certain areas of my life. And that HAD to change, and that had to change IMMEDIATELY.

So, I approached Paul, apologized for blaming him for my unhappiness. Told him, he was not in anyway responsible for the way I was feeling. It was all me. It was all me. I told him about the thoughts I had just considered, and how I had come to a new decision about my life.

I told him that this new idea could dramatically change our relationship. I explained how when we met, through my actions, I made it clear what he could expect from me. And he learned he could expect me to do almost everything that had to do with the care of our home, both inside and out. He could expect that I would handle our finances, and keep him informed of all major issues, and include him in the decisions. He could expect me to handle any problems with our pets. Of course, since the cats were mine, I would handle the cats. But, even though the dog was his, I would still be the responsible one for all of his needs. And Paul would get to simply enjoy the fun of having a dog, But, he didn’t clean up after him when we messed on the carpets. No, I took that upon myself to do that because the very act of Paul trying to clean it would cause Paul to experience either anger, sadness or something unpleasant… so I being the good wife, did it. Of course, I didn’t like it either, but I didn’t focus on that. I would often focus on how I was such a willing party to this because I was somehow thinking this was for the greater good. What a crock that was!

The truth was I was being a martyr. And I did an awesome job of selling it to myself for years without having to label it as martyrdom. But, I knew this was the beginning of new thoughts, new behaviors, and most of all new feelings.

I told Paul, that little by little, incrementally as I get a better handle on this new idea, I would be asking for his help. I explained how I had been acting like a martyr. And I was very aware, he NEVER asked me to do all that I do. I did ALL of it because I chose to. It was MY doing, not his. And I explained how I was angry with myself for feeling that I HAD to do it. But, it was time for me to experience happiness. It was time for me to live my life feeling joy. I wanted to let go of the “I have to do it” syndrome. I didn’t want to wake up one morning in my mother’s shoes… with a husband that was incapable of doing anything for himself, while I was sacrificing my life for his. Of course, I learned these behaviors the old fashioned way. I watched my Mom do it, and being the “A” student, I followed her example to the letter.

That meant if I saw something Paul could do on his own, but I could get to it first, I would do it, because after all, wouldn’t that endear him to me? The answer is NO, what it really did was keep me in the mindset of the snowjob I was doing on myself, that I am better at doing things than him, and that he is incapable. I had become the greatest enabler.

And to think I went through the 1980’s learning all about the evils of co-dependence, and thought I had conquered it. But, that insidious enabling thing I did, slipped right under the radar. Yep, I’m a raging co-dependent enabler. And it didn’t stop with Paul, I realized the great reach this enabling of mine had gone. It reached into my job; I enable the team of people I support. I enable friends. I enable family. If you are a breathing body, I’ll enable you… that’s how far this thing has gone and how good I am at doing it.

Since this revelation, I practiced this new awareness of paying attention to ME, and how I FEEL. And amazingly, even in an environment of where happiness should be easy, I found myself feeling stressful tension in my body. Yes, I’d be on my cabin’s balcony, taking in the beautiful coastline view, and my shoulders would rise, and I’d feel my body begin to contort. And then, I’d have to purposefully, lower my shoulders, and remind myself that my intention is to FEEL good or to FEEL happy. And I guess since the return of my Alaska trip, I’ve had a good deal of practice paying attention to my feelings because when I catch myself feeling anything but content, good or happy, I stop myself, and try to figure out how to shift whatever I’m thinking about into more pleasant thoughts.

And in the last month, I know I’ve learned to recognize what relaxation feels like, what happiness feels like, what joy over-flowing feels like, AND what NOT feeling good feels like. Allowing my feelings to be my guide has proven to be the life experience I’d been looking for. Because, the “hearing” about allowing your feelings to guide you, was an awesome concept that I could totally buy into, and totally believe, and share with others, but I had not yet really experienced it in a way that captured the essence of the words until the day of the meltdown. God Bless the meltdown. It was the catalyst for allowing me to have a “life experience”.